I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
