dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
