1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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