where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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