I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
