yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
