This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I want to be your penis for a week.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
