You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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