If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
