i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
