actually, I'm a sock model
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Be still, my beating vagina.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
