i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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