I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
