And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My ass is underappreciated
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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