We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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