There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
