then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
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girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize