The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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