I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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