You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
