waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
