you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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