I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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