I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
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