Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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