ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
