I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
