Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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