I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
