dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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