Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
