you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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