if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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