The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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