i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
