3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
