i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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