"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
