so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
