I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
