you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
