Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
