I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
