dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
