I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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