Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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