I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
