Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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