Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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