Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
