You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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