Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
