just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
