woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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