No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
