So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
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His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
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Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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