naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
