Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
