Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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