don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
