I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
