First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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