I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
