the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
