hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
