i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
