Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
